“You’re not alone, together we stand”

Why can’t i get the approval and support from people? Why do they keep telling me what to do? No room for discussion at all? Do some of them even care? Because it’s really so easy for them to say sometimes it really sounds like those words haven’t even gone through much thought and consideration. What’s at stake, is not just health. It’s emotions. And happiness. It’s difficult to factor in each aspect, anyone would be able to tell. Who knows the extent of this difficulty like we do? But sometimes i really wonder if they ever tried to be in my shoes. If those words are even sincere.. Because i have strong reasons to believe otherwise. This is so sickening i’ve done what people want me to do, and i’ve sacrificed so that they don’t worry, they don’t feel upset. And i’m not being selfish towards them anymore. I see the people around me snap out of this sadness and worrying so quickly. Yet i’m still stuck in the same sadness since i’ve done that. But honestly my feelings are exactly the same so i have no idea at all why i had to do that. I feel like all i’ve done is hurt someone. And let others be satisfied. What have i done.. I don’t see the logic now. Ironically the person i’ve hurt the most in this whole mess is the one who is patient enough to wait for me to open up and talk about what’s bothering me. Everyone else just either gets impatient, or doesn’t bother as much. Now tell me, is it easy? 

Sometimes i hate technology. Because i can’t run away from all those questions, comments, even insensitive remarks. I don’t like how i’m feeling but sometimes (now) i just feel that people don’t sincerely care. I can’t believe it. I know that it’s post a’s and maybe some of my friends just can’t be bothered enough to care, but if you don’t, why the unnecessary comments :/ I’m really like sooo sensitive now to the whole topic and i want to avoid talking about it at all costs. So i can take my mind off it. But every single day i make the conscious effort to try to pick myself up, nobody’s making the conscious effort to help me. That’s alright with me. But i just wish that people would stop talking to me about it like it doesn’t hurt one bit. Because it does, a hell lot. And sometimes i’m just starting to feel that they don’t care, they just want to know what’s going on. Maybe i’m being so obnoxious by thinking this way.

I really honestly wish that i would wake up tomorrow and things would be better. Or maybe i’d wake up and find out i’ve been living in a dream. 

Am I even doing this right, am I good enough, do I match up to your standards? Because right now all I see is my own flaws.

Freaking headache and fever. I really need a break from all this.

It’s really so tempting to just lie down in bed all day because i barely have the strength and the mood to do anything. I’m losing weight like ?!$%& barely 42 kg now, and i’m so unhealthy and weak. On top of that, my stomach is rejecting whatever food i see so it’s not like i can help it. Counting down to 5 pm so i can escape to cheryl’s, and hopefully distract myself from all this emotional trauma. And the time. is. crawling.

Sometimes i really wonder if i’ve made the right choice, because i had to choose between what i want and what, apparently, is the best for both parties. And i know that maybe what i did will really save much hurt and heartaches in the long term, maybe the choice that i made was really right, that it’ll make everything else fall into place quicker and more easily. I don’t know about myself, but at least for the other party? But right now right here it’s hurting so damn much i can’t even think straight or do anything else. I was so happy before, when everything was still simple and felt alright. I’d never been happier, and more sure about anything. It just came crashing down on me too fast and too soon, i just can’t make do with the memories alone.

It’s hurting so damn much that i can’t even find the words to type out this blog post, even if i want to rant and whine, i can’t find the words to. The tears just flow so quickly and so effortlessly and all the memories really haunt me. So badly. And i hate having someone i love be in so much pain, especially if i caused part of it. But i just can’t make it all make sense for somebody else if i can’t even convince myself fully that this is the right choice. I completely trust the people around me on this and i know, somehow, that they know best. But it’s just so easy for me to keep slipping right back into it and to want to settle for the easy choice instead of the difficult, yet better, choice.

Sometimes in situations like these although you yourself are hurting so freaking badly you’ve still got to follow through. Someone please give me the strength to. People say they understand what i’m going through and they feel my pain, but really, they don’t. Not a single person on this earth understands. Because afterall they’ve not gone through what i have. They haven’t struggled like me every single day, every single night, worrying about everything and anything and letting my mind wander off whenever i feel paranoid, or insecure. And now there’s sadness, loneliness, guilt, heartache, worries, confusion, pain, and i’ve almost already lost hope in feeling better. What i feel is so real and so intense right now, idk. How long is it gonna take? And i can’t entirely put myself first in this situation, because that’s not the most pressing issue.

I’m just so, so, so vexed right now. Please just stop? It’s not that i want to do this and i’m already feeling so bad, and so hurt about everything. I can’t deal too, but i just can’t say. No i can’t tell anybody that, not even you because i’m supposed to be the stronger and more clear-headed one. It’s just too much for me to take right now. I don’t know how to respond to the texts anymore. I’m really not an elastic band that can just get back it’s shape after being stretched and released. It takes time, and i’m not exactly the strongest person around. It’s like i’m just here, unprotected, for people to hurl words at and to blame. Somehow in this short span of one and a half days i’ve been blamed and accused by a total of 5 people. Maybe more. 3 that mean so so so much to me and it really hurt when they did that instead of trying to understand how i feel, and my position in all this crap. I was just told something hurtful that literally made me cringe and feel pain inside. Ouch. And i’m expected to take it all in, keep saying encouraging words and reassuring words (to so many people) tell them that it’ll be alright. But who is going to tell me that?

I guess i just need to remember one thing: Mind > heart. No matter how bloody painful it is, i need to get over it and do the right thing. No matter how much i don’t want to, how difficult it is, i need to stay strong. Oh please just give me the strength to..

2 am time to (attempt to) sleep. My very faithful themixtape is now my best friend once again, during this tough period. I haven’t been eating sleeping or doing anything at all, properly. I feel sorry for my body and my emotions are on a roller coaster ride it’s just so difficult. On top of that, I’m worrying 24/7 and I made the toughest decision of my life today. And cried > 7 hours. Someone please help to lesson my pain :’(

I really wish I could stay strong. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I’m hating myself so much for breaking down every single time. It’s like everytime I make up my mind to be strong, it backfires and I end up falling apart. I don’t know, I’m really having such a hard time and I wish somebody could help me. But no, nobody’ll understand. My eyes are gonna be perpetually swollen at this rate.